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Health & Fitness

This Week on the Abusive and Greedy...

The saga of my evil stepmother demanding money from my father continues. Naomi is dying, but from her hospital bed she’s still scheming how she can get more money from my father. I hear Lori, her 55 year old daughter (from a previous marriage) is planning a trip to Hawaii. She doesn’t work and is supported by my father.  Last weekend Lori was staying with my dad and I’ve been so worried about him. I couldn’t call him because Lori would answer. She loves talking about all the restaurants she goes to, what she ate, and where she’s planning on traveling next. I was worried I’d scream “Grow up and leave my dad alone!” It’s so upsetting to know that she is taking advantage of him financially because her “mummy” wants her to, that I’m going to talk to a lawyer. At 55 you should be able to do more than what your “mummy” tells you to do, especially when the adult paying for your every need and whim is an elderly man -- my father of 86 years old.

When I was growing up, Naomi, my dad's wife, always said to me that I should be more like Lori. I wish I could have said, "You mean planning a trip to Hawai while you are in the hospital?" If I only knew then what I know now! That was one of the many lies I grew up with. All of those lies made me feel that I want to be honest in my life, with myself, and with the world I live in. As painful as the truth may be, when we walk through a painful truth we are transformed like a phoenix. When we lie, we create a prison from which we can never escape.

I want to talk about control and controlling people -- people who make up lies to control you. Naomi has successfully controlled my dad, and continues to do so. A controlling person uses different types of abuse to control another person. Verbal abuse for example; Naomi would say to my dad that he wasn’t smart, that he was a bad cook, he wasn’t funny, to name a few, and in doing so she defined my dad, creating a distortion. “A distortion occurs whenever one person defines another person.” according to Patricia Evans, the author of “Controlling People – How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You.” The distortions Naomi created for my father caused him to become detached from himself. He lost his sense of self. When you hear someone telling you every day that you are no good, it is going to affect you. You lose your self confidence. You lose your sense of self.  You lose your power. You may become depressed and/or anxious, and even hopeless. You may feel that you can’t leave the relationship because… you can’t do any better than this, and besides you are used to it by now. My dad said the latter to the social worker from Adult Protective Services who came to visit him.

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Healthy people don’t need to tell you who you are. They do not try to define you. They respect who you are as you are. Only we can define ourselves.

In Evans’s book, “Victory Over Verbal Abuse” she explains that “There is a secrete message in verbal abuse. The message is that the negative statements you’ve heard most about yourself reveal your greatest gifts.” I have felt this intuitively and perhaps you have too. Basically it means that when someone says “You are selfish” you are really generous. I had a boss who told me I was a bad writer, but it didn’t ring true for me. In reality, she was using my “greatest gift” against me, and it didn’t work.

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We can heal ourselves from these abusive relationships. Understanding what an abusive relationship is helps us to understand how to identify toxic people and avoid them. I understand my father has been abused for years. I understand he has lost perspective and his power. I know he doesn’t want to financially support Lori because he told me. I don’t know how I can help him, but I am going to try.

Abusive relationships are very complicated. I’m simplifying things here with my dysfunctional family. If you are interested in learning more, I recommend that you read any of the books written by Patricia Evans on the subject. Patricia is a local author and also provides counseling services, resources, and offers a yearly retreat for women. You can find more information on her web site at http://patriciaevans.com/.

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